She Had No Idea

by Kurt Opprecht

for Woman's Own Magazine, March, 2001

There's the hair flip, the stocking fix, or the good old pencil suck; and that's just for starters. Women know all kinds of ways to set a guy off without being obvious about it, and usually we react like a puppy for a biscuit. But every day, probably every woman unconsciously does something that drives a man crazy -- something that makes him wish he could make love to her right then and there.

What are these mysterious behaviors? Well, for different guys, they're different things. I happen to be especially attracted to women opening mail, and I'm not sure why. Phillip, now an architect, remembers a moment when he was a musician in San Francisco. "I once saw a woman in a band playing standup bass, and it really turned me on. I proposed that since I was a drummer we would be one tight rhythm section, but she declined. I still haven't forgotten how hot that was."

What was it about a lady playing a bass that set Phillip off? It's a mystery. But there are some recurring themes that emerge when men talk about their candid turn-ons.

Surprisingly, masculinity is one of those common themes. A woman with a man's name such as Andi, Bobbi, or Charlie is enticing to many men. If the short version of a feminine name is masculine, that works too. I've gone out with a Sam (Samantha), a Max (Maxine) and a Kurt (Kirsten) and I loved the fact that they used masculine names when they didn't have to.

Faux masculinity in women goes beyond the name, of course. Peter, a graphic artist from Long Island remembers a cross-dressing experience when he went to a wedding and his date wore a men's tuxedo. "Everyone was turned on," he says; (probably men and women alike.)

Established relationship gurus, Ron Louis and David Copeland, co-authors of How to Succeed with Men (Prentice Hall Press) and The Sex Lover's Book of Lists, run a dating institute for men and they have been exploring these very issues for years.

Ron says men may be attracted to masculine behavior in a woman because it's an example of being bold and strong, and that is what's sexy. "Obviously, the helpless blonde is a lot of guys' fantasy," he says. "But the opposite, a woman who is so powerful and so confident that she would do something so bold... It's almost a rock star thing."

Ron says that in a situation like that, a guy might be thinking, "I'm the one who gets to be with her." Or, "She must be really great in bed, because she's really out there with who she is."

That boldness and strength leads to another common theme in men's secret turn-ons: power. Patrick, a Hollywood script writer, puts it this way, "Women with guns are very sexy. The bigger the gun, the better. A Derringer is not sexy; a TOW missile is." (Patrick admits he's never seen a woman fire a TOW missile in person, but I trust his opinion, because I know that would be a turn on for me as well.)

The power theme applies to relationships, too, Patrick goes on to add that he's aroused by women when they're in a heated dispute with a boyfriend. "I love to watch (without their knowing) another guy get his ass handed to him. I guess it comes down to a power thing -- the physically dominant male is reduced to nada by the ire of an enraged woman. All that emotion...it's very sexy."

The power thing is tied to independence, too. Billy, a musician and motorcycle enthusiast in Maine says, "Any woman riding a motorcycle turns my head. I'm not talking about the leather thing, because women who ride on back of guys' motorbikes, leather and all, make me yawn. It's the woman riding her own bike, her own way, with nobody on the back. She could be wearing a sweatshirt and jeans and still do it for me. I guess it's something about independence, the fact that she's free and taking life on her own terms."

Some professions have that power factor built into them and that can be seductive. Arthur, an attorney in Vancouver says, "Bartending is a sexy activity for a girl; metalwork is an even sexier activity for a girl. I like the focused attention of a woman with a blowtorch in her hand. Come to think of it, women using any potentially destructive kind of tool (chain saws, table saws, sledgehammers) go to my head like a glass of sparkling burgundy brew."

Arthur is onto another theme when he mentions the "focused attention" of the lady welder he saw. There is something beguiling about a woman who's entirely involved in what she's doing. I'll never forget my friend Oliver's wedding because I was unable to take my eyes off the photographer. She was moving through the crowd and expertly handling the cameras and lenses and strobes. She was so into her job, and doing it so well; she was the only woman at that wedding for me.

David Copeland, who in addition to writing with Ron Louis, leads personal development seminars for men and women across the country, stresses that a woman who's passionately involved in her life is almost always appealing. "It's sexy to see an attractive woman doing something really well, that she cares about," he says. "Versus a woman who's just sitting on a couch and doesn't have any passion in her life."

"I used to date a woman who lived on a farm," Copeland says, "And I always thought that there was something about when she was shearing the sheep, or something like that; she was so much in her own element and doing what she wanted to do. Even though she was wearing dirty clothes and sweaty, it was always really sexy to me."
Reed, a systems guru in New York, echoes David Copeland's thoughts. "I love women in candid moments of active work," he says. "Chopping wood, setting up camp in the woods, stacking hay bales, I love it."

Possibly for the same reason, Reed is drawn to women in sports, too. "When Mia Hamm goes strong to the net and slams it past the goalie I need a bit of a cold shower," he says. "And I really don't think Ms. Hamm is thinking 'Ooh, I look hot!' as she's zooming down the sidelines either."
Andrew, an American college professor in Tokyo is attracted to that same intensity, but in a less physical way, "I saw a woman slowly and intently thumbing through a thick dictionary once, in a library," he says. "She would light on a word like a pigeon on a breadcrumb, and thrust herself wholly into learning it, even mouthing it to herself...I stood spellbound for ten minutes."

The sexy librarian image is a common turn on for men. Ron Louis says that in addition to the studious woman being deeply involved in her work, there's a fantasy thing happening here, with all the mystery about her being the sexually repressed woman who's an animal in bed.

In fact, the eyewear alone is enough to do it for some men. Truman, a factory owner in Manhattan says, "I love seeing my girlfriend Christine reading or working on something with her contacts out and her glasses on. Somehow, she looks really sexy then. If she happens to be naked at the time, all the better."

When a woman is so intensely focused on what she's doing, she's also in a very genuine, unguarded moment, and that's arousing, as well. A friend of mine is crazy about his girlfriend when she's just fresh out of the shower. He swears it's not merely because she's naked, but it's that her skin is glowing and she looks so fresh, he says there's a newborn kind of purity about her that is completely disarming.

David Copeland says, "There's something enticing and very genuine about seeing a woman when she's not trying to put on a performance of any type." Copeland says that to an extent, wearing makeup is an act, so even seeing a woman without makeup can be a turn-on.

There are other turn-ons involved with makeup; Reed loves it when women crowd around a mirror to fix something with their hair or face. And Arthur is really charmed by the "painted lady" factor. He says, "If a woman does not normally wear lipstick but puts some on for a special occasion, it looks sort of weird, is often completely the 'wrong' color, and (most trenchantly) is applied inexpertly. There's something charmingly inept and square-wheeled about this sort of thing which gets a hook into me."

I personally love to see a woman putting on make up, but only when she doesn't know I'm watching. Even if it's a public place, I get a voyeuristic thrill from watching her do such a private thing. Probably for similar reasons, one friend of mine loves to watch a woman putting on make-up in the car in front of him when they're waiting at a stop light.

This voyeuristic theme may not come as much of a surprise. From the standpoint of the unseen observer, the most mundane of women's tasks can become a turn-on, especially personal tasks. Patrick says, "The voyeur angle is important for something like a woman putting on a seatbelt in her car, but only if she doesn't know you're watching her. In fact, it's best if she is unaware that she's in anyone's eyesight. A context like that can make a lot of things sexy."

Gordon, a magazine editor in New York gives another seductive scenario, "A woman is walking down the street, she stops, puts her right hand on something to balance herself, kicks her right leg up behind her, turns her head around, reaches back with her left hand and adjusts the strap on her shoe. It's even better when she catches you staring, mouth agape, smiles and keeps on walking."

Truman adds, "I love women in business suits who wear sweat socks and sneakers (over their hosiery) on their way to or from work." And Reed gets "a warm, fuzzy feeling" when women do "that little move when they prop their bag on one bent knee while standing to root around for something, hopefully a card with *the number* on it."

Still, there are enticing things a woman does that have nothing to do with power, gender roles, passion or voyeurism. Gordon says, "I love watching my girlfriend getting hit on or flirted with by other men. One reason is that I know the dude has no shot at her because she is totally loyal to me (unless I'm fooling myself). It is also great watching other men telling her she's beautiful because, she knows that since I am her boyfriend, I am obliged to say it, but these strangers almost feel compelled to say it. Another reason is that it turns me on that so many men want to get in her pants, but I'm the one she goes home with."

Some unsuspected turn-ons are stranger than others. Arthur says, "Food shopping has a strange effect on me. A trip to the grocery store will cause me to climb all over the woman I'm with. I'll find myself floating down aisle three (canned goods, pasta, rice) in a sort of amorous fog, pawing at her senselessly."

Grocery shopping? It turns out that's a common theme. Patrick echoes Arthur's view, "I love watching women shop in the supermarket. Fruit, vegetables, crackers, cereal... whatever. Bring it on. (This is probably enhanced by the fact that most women are dressed down when they go shopping.) And I especially love them at the salad bar, picking through the lettuce with their tongs."

Hey, you never know. Look around you. There just might be a guy watching who gets all hot and bothered over a woman reading a magazine in public.

SIDEBAR: What turns guys on?

Considering these men's odd reactions to ordinary women's behavior, is there any way to predict what a guy's going to find arousing

Author and relationship advisors, David Copeland and Ron Louis say most women don't understand what turns men on. They recommend the following:

Get physical.
"A woman driving a truck, or riding a motorcycle, it's so physical that you can't help but think of her as a physical being."

Be passionate.
"Whatever you are passionate about in your life shows how passionate you can be. Have the nerve to do something you really care about and dare to believe that it might in fact be sexy for you to do it."